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Memories - 2002-02-13
Chinese New Year. Well it officially ended one and a half hours ago, but best wishes to everyone, not just the people who celebrate it. This year was a pretty sad affair. I woke up really really late and so missed being the first to greet my parents. My maternal grandmother passed from this life last year, so I can't meet that side of the family. Is it cruel and evil to think "Damn, that's less red packets for me"? It brings back memories of how my grandmother died. Her health had always been bad, but suddenly it seemed that she couldn't stay out of the hospital for more than a week. Slowly, before our eyes she started to waste away. Even she herself knew the end was drawing near. In the last few stages of her life, she was in a coma. There was that one day when we all believed she was going to die. I was with my best friend at Junction 8. A1 was in town and she wanted to see them. My mom called me and told me to rush down to the hospital immediately. I apologised to my friend and ran to take the train. I prayed I wasn't too late. My prayers were answered, but when I reached her bedside, she barely acknowledged my presence. We think that by the time, she was simply clinging on to life, waiting to have the last fleeting meeting with her loved ones. When she died, I was not with her. My mother was. I had a rude shock. Someone so dear had died. But my tears felt unreal. When she was alive, I never took the effort to understand her. She spoke in an alien dialect I did not bother to learn. And now that she was gone, I could not grieve for a woman I never knew. And yet I cried, tears for the memory of a smiling old woman, getting into the car and patting my hand. After her funeral, I believe the close knit family of my mother fell to pieces. The shop house she lived in could not be rented anymore - the price was too high, the memories - too painful. It had always been the gathering place for any event. Chinese New Year, birthdays, Christmas... The creaky staircase... The fading pictures... The tiny rooms... Everything... Gone. Now the home of some other family, ready to build their own house of dreams. Where would we go to now? The one link - my grandmother - was gone. Will we still be as close? To be honest I do not overflow with love for that side of the family. I have never felt attached to the countless 'qu qus' (uncles) and 'qu mehs' (aunties) who all where too old. I cannot even remember half of my cousins names. I believe that once my mother's generation has lost it's last member, we will be scattered like angsana seeds. It is sad, now that I think about it. But I have not the strength to make the effort to make an everlasting bond with my cousins. At least, not all 20 odd of them. It is now 1 hour and 47 minutes past the new year. I should sleep. Tonight I shall pray for families all over the world. I promised to pray for Carin's brother. May he recover from his illness. I also pray for Adrian's parents, that they may find peace with each other. Finally, I pray for my own. That when the time comes for my parents to leave me, they will not have a single doubt that I love them. You too. Tell your parents you love them. No matter what. Jolene
- - 2006-05-29 |