I rarely call friends. I wait for them to call me. It's not snobbery or any such thing, it's more that I never know what to say.

That is my issue. I never know what to say.

I do have ideas on what I could say. Sometimes I realise that the conversation I thought I was having was all in my head, and I haven't actually said anything to the girl sitting beside me.

I'm not entirely insane yet. It's just like how some people prefer writing stories to participating in RPGs. When writing stories you have control over the dialogue. In RPGs you're lucky if it even follows the path you were planning. Conversations in my head usually go off splendidly. I never have to repeat anything, or explain certain more strange aspects of my humour, and I always get my inside jokes. Sometimes I restart the conversation because I think of something witter I could have said in repy to something said earlier, and that's fine. I am completely at peace with letting myself be a wittier conversationalist.

Real life conversations aren't like that. My mouth goes dry after a bit and my words start stumbling over themselves. My jokes fall flat. The conversation veers off to another subject, or someone starts telling a story, and the chance for me to insert my brilliantly witty comment goes wooshing off into the distance. Of course people will tell me that having actual people to converse with is ten times better than any witty imagined conversation with myself, but I say it depends on the people and subjects involved.

Right now, though, I can still feel the uncomfortable warmth of the handphone that was pressed to my ear. I called up a friend to make sure she was aware of a little change of heart I'm having right now that might affect her. Then she started telling me about an event in her life.

And I enjoyed it! I wanted to be in front of her and giggling with her and sipping cups of hot cocoa while analysing every single detail. I wanted to converse in person.

I've been wondering why it's so difficult for me to be friends with some people. Why the conversations always seem so stilted. I've come to the conclusion that it's because I don't ask these people about their day, and to them it probably seems like I don't care enough to do so.

I've become quite selfish, really.

The first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. So there it is, and here I go. Time to go back to the days when I would sprint 3 stories to buy a CD so my best friend could get an autograph from her favourite band.

Jolene, by hook or by crook, you're going to be a better person.

< bass | treble >

- - 2006-05-29
- - 2006-05-01
on The Ineffable - 2006-03-27
on being a matyr - 2006-03-23
- - 2006-03-17