I love it when I have epiphanies - when I finally identify a problem and its source. Because once I do, I can set about fixing it.

It's like t tests. I had the hardest time getting my head around those tricky, tricky t tests. They just didn't make any sense, and how did one read off a t distribution table any? My problem was that t equaled to a value, and when something equals to a value, I generally expect that value to mean something. Once I got my head around the fact that t was unimportant, and it was the P value that you could infer from looking at the t distribution table that was significant, statistics slotted itself into the 'will pass' category, and I felt much better about life, the universe, and everything.

Epiphanies sometimes come to me in phrases. There's a sentence, or even a word, that just makes sense of it all.

Today's epiphany was brought to me by the sentence "I need to stop being so needy."

People tend to shy away from emotional parasites. People don't make friends with people who show signs of throwing a lasso around their neck once they shake hands. Or if they do, then it's probably a kink thing.

I need to stop meeting people and wondering "is this person going to be my best friend?" or "is this boy going to be my boyfriend?" I need to live in the now, good impressions all around, and let life take its course.

I think I try too hard to recapture past relationships with new people, and I've got to understand that we are all unique snowflakes, so it's going to be nigh on impossible. I might get a relationship (here I'm refering to friendships) that's close, maybe just as good, but in a different form to what I share with say Geri or Malcolm or Becca. Even with these three it's all different kinds of close, but I still have just as much fun and care just as much.

And I think I expect the guy I like to pick up where my ex left off. To love me like he did and treat me like he did, except, of course, for the part where we broke up.

I've got to stop expecting these things from people, stop expecting anything from anyone, period. The people I meet might not stay with me for the rest of my life, but it's my perogative to treat them as best I can.

Last night I railed at God. But I think I was really just angry at me.

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- - 2006-05-29
- - 2006-05-01
on The Ineffable - 2006-03-27
on being a matyr - 2006-03-23
- - 2006-03-17