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on Things I've Learnt - 2005-06-28
Every semester ends with some introspection. Here's this semester's. I lost a friendship this semester. It hurt at the time, and though I tell myself to be a bigger person and to not wish ill of her, sometimes I still get a surge of anger when I think of her. Old habits die hard, and holding grudges is a very, very old and filthy habit of mine. I'm working on it. The thing is, I've learnt a lot from the time this friendship ended till now, and I'm discovering new things everytime I sit down and think about it. I've learnt that there are friends that one must be loyal to (and that are a joy to be loyal to), friends that one might wish to go the extra mile for, friends that one just wants to place in a little matchbox and protect forever; but there are also friends that are simply toxic and undeserving of such things. I know the word 'undeserving' goes against every ideal that friendship encompasses, but in a world where goodness is no longer garunteed to reap goodness in return, people can't afford to be so naive anymore. I've learnt other things too, about myself. I have the tendency to make things my fault. She told me I wasn't a nice person, I was cruel and mean, and I agreed immediately, because if she said so, it must be true. And while now I see that what she said wasn't entirely true, there are elements of truth to that statement. I am a nice person. I am a kind one. This is true. Don't snicker. I cannot prove this statement without sounding like an ass, but I hope my friends will support me. So while I am innately good, I do have a tendency to be mean to the people I don't like, i.e., by that point in our friendship, her. This does trouble me. I am not proud of it, I just needed to justify what she said so I could be alone with myself and not wind up dead. But now that I have identified it, I can defeat it. That's another thing about me that I've learnt. I'm not actually happy with who I am. I'm always trying to change, to be better, more perfect. I identify problems with myself, and I try to fix them. It might take years, but it's always worth a shot. But I think it's all right. It can't be a flaw to try to be a better person. Not richer, or prettier, or more successful, just better in the way that I am, and the way that I treat people. I've also learnt that there is no such thing as pretending to be someone else when you're with other people. I don't mean in terms of tricksters and frauds. I mean in terms of personality. I kept thinking to myself - Jolene, you're acting so different from when you were younger. You're less afraid to share your stories, more ready to talk to others, more comfortable with being the one to initiate conversation... You must be pretending. I mean you're still the same person as you were when you were younger, you're still thinking the same thoughts in the same way. All this must be pretence. You're faking it. But when I am all these things consistently, every day, I think it's time to realise that I've changed. People change. All the time. Someone changes, they make a movie about it, someone else watches the movie, they change, someone writes an article on it, more changing, and in the end, everyone is a result of the interactions they've had. I may still be the same person and still have the same thoughts going around and around in my head (with new ones, and hopefully smarter ones, and funnier ones, or I'd be very bored) but I've met so many people since I was 13, I've gotten more advice, I've gone through some drastic changes in environment. I've changed. I'm not pretending to be anything. I am who I am, 24/7. Am I perfect? Hell no. Am I different with different people? Yes, but if I were the same with everyone, I would scare 80% of the populus. Am I okay with this? Now? Yes. I am finally okay with this. I've learnt to be less needy. I go into friendships - heck into conversations - with all strings attached. I practically have the words "Have a conversation with me and be my best friend for life!" tattooed on my forehead. I don't think people go into friendships where they sense a lot of baggage. It's frightening, and too much effort. I mean, who would I choose? The girl laughing and waving or the girl with tears in her eyes and a hundred ton dead weight to put around my neck? I lost a friendship this semester, but I gained two, and those two are so much more precious to me because when I am with them, I do not constantly second guess myself the way I did with the first one. I don't feel like I'm in a competition, and no matter what I do, she's taken steriods, so I'm going to lose anyway. I am happy. I laugh a lot more. I make them laugh too. We encourage each other instead of competing. We haven't got the perfect friendship, of course, it's only just begun, but from where I'm standing, the future is rosy pink. See? I don't need a psychiatrist.
- - 2006-05-29 |