|
- - 2005-08-23
It is killing me, feeling like this, feeling like this is killing me, slowly but surely eating away at my soul and soon there will be nothing left but a cynical little hag who hates everyone and doesn't believe in dreams and love, and I don't want to be that woman, I want to believe, I want to smile and to laugh and to know that somewhere in this universe there is a man who loves me and whom I love, and who I will eventually marry and with whom I will have a bunch of really beautiful children, and we'll love and we'll fight and then we'll make up and there'll be passion, but before all that, right now, at the beginning, when he tells me he likes me as more than a friend, I want to be able to say thank you, I like you too, I want to hold his hand and blush and smile and have him blush and smile, and then our first kiss, maybe right then, maybe weeks later, will be sweet and will be full of promise, and he'll know right then that he's meant for me, and I'll know right then that I want to spend the rest of my life loving this man, this wonderful man who smiles like rainbows and who makes me feel like this I want all this I want it so much I know, I know it'll all come in good time, and there are years and years left in my life to find him, but I can't wait years and years, I'm lonely now and if only maybe he could hear me crying for him then maybe he would come to me and hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay because he does love me and he is the one for me and he'll take care of me, even when I try to pretend that I'm strong and brave because he knows me, and he knows that I am this fragile, lonely little girl who needs an embrace to crawl into once in a while I want someone who will come over to my room and hang around as though there is no other place to be, and then nap in my bed while I study so that after I finish with my books we can go out, or stay in with our fingers twined and talk about silly things like how I'm going to take over the world, and how he's going to help me by undermining the resistance Good lord almighty I have asked for so much, I have erred and I have sinned, I have been the silliest thing you have ever made, but please, I beg of you, I beg of you with all the heart and soul that you gave me, fill this void someway somehow fill me and make me whole because living like this isn't living, it's dying slowly one day at a time, you gave me this great capacity to love, you gave me so much, so please, please, please I beg of you to let me share it with someone I could really love forever. You once sent someone to remind me that I can be happy, dancing on the clouds because I am just so happy to be your own, lord, I want to be happy, but it is killing me, lord, slowly, slowly killing me dead.
- - 2006-05-29 |