I think of all the things I need to say and I realise I've said them before. Will it always be like this? Going around in circles? I get so excited about the changes in my life. Transitions from school to school, from country to country, from age to age.

As a student, I'm always looking forward to the ending. The end of the semester, the end of the finals, the end of four years so I can get my degree and get out of here. To go where? That's the exciting part. What's out there? What's waiting for me around the bend? Am I afraid? I'm terrified. But it's new, and it's a challenge, and the unconfirmed future is as close to adventure as I can get without pulling a pixie out of the sky.

But what happens when I start working? When I get a job that I'm supposed to work at forever? I don't want to look for the ending because fourty years is too long an intermediate. Where will I be without the knowledge that in __ years, this will be over and I can move on to something else? Will I still need it? Will I be content?

I live in fear of discontentment. Usually I am content, but the times I am not scare the daylights out of me, because if I'm not content then there's something missing, and if there's something missing shouldn't I be looking to find it? What if I'm 30 and I'm looking through a microscope but all I can see is that this isn't what I want?

I'm borrowing trouble, I know, but I'm really good at it. What happens when this ends and the path isn't fixed anymore? What happens when I don't have a plan? What happens when I don't fit in a clearly labelled box anymore?

What happens then?

< bass | treble >

- - 2006-05-29
- - 2006-05-01
on The Ineffable - 2006-03-27
on being a matyr - 2006-03-23
- - 2006-03-17