Past midnight.

Lying in her bed with her pillow over my eyes, it is the last place on earth I would have expected to find that I am not alone. Tears rolling down my cheeks as she guesses and guesses and then suddenly she hits the nail on its head and I wail - I literally wail because of the shame and the shame and the shame that I feel.

She takes me and hugs me and says something I would never have dreamt of, and as the worlds collide she offers me a chance to forgive myself.

Who would have guessed, who would have thought... It is not validation, it isn't even close. And have I forgiven myself? No, not really.

But the very fact that I've finally unburdened myself to someone, that I've let go of all the bottled up, repressed self-hate all this while is helping. It is like I walk lighter, breathe easier. I cannot loathe it as much in myself if I do not loathe it in her.

But still it is in me, a sin that I have committed and that I will never forgive myself for, not even if, as she says, He has forgiven me seven times seven times.

"I hate that I did it, I hate myself for having done it, not once but again and again."

If you love me at all, please do not try to guess what it is I'm writing about. Please. I couldn't bear it. Just put it out of your mind.

I only need to remind myself that this really did happen, and that I really am not alone.

< bass | treble >

- - 2006-05-29
- - 2006-05-01
on The Ineffable - 2006-03-27
on being a matyr - 2006-03-23
- - 2006-03-17